On this page, you will see posts about various things. Some parts may be more impactful to Drew, and others about me. When it comes to mental health and mental illnesses, I can confidently say these do not just affect one person in the family. Instead, when you have a loved one who suffers from depression or anxiety, it leaves its mark on other family members. So while one illness may invade my life in a more pervasive manner, rest assured that all family members deal with this particular disorder.  

What is OCD? OCD is the acronym for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It is a mental illness, and it has become a much more significant part of my life than I would ever like to admit. I am not sure that many understand OCD and its full scope. You may hear often, or you may even say, “Yes, I am so OCD about . . .” OCD is a disorder, not an adjective. You may be particular about how things are arranged in your home or having a tidy desk at work, but that is NOT the same thing. Now, can someone with OCD exhibit these traits? Absolutely! The main takeaway here is that OCD is an illness, a noun. OCD is not a descriptive word. You either have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or you do not. You can be very particular about certain things and not have this illness. You can also have OCD, and one of your obsessions is being extremely organized. Can you see the difference? One is more of your preference or personality, and the other is a mental disorder.

Obsessions and compulsions are the obvious components of OCD. Here are the definitions of each of these aspects according to iocdf.org:  “Obsessions are unwanted, intrusive thoughts, images, or urges that trigger intensely distressing feelings. Compulsions are behaviors an individual engages in to attempt to get rid of the obsessions and/or decrease his or her distress.” These urges and behaviors can stem from extreme anxiety, fear, and doubt, to name a few. Sometimes I will admit to being extremely transparent and maybe even sharing too much personal information. Some family members strongly discourage this behavior. I will admit there are times when not everything deserves a social media post. However, as we have mentioned in various posts and videos on our page, we hope that in sharing our struggles on this platform, we can help others know they are not alone. We want to show and give hope that there is help available. We want to bring some “beauty from our [proverbial] ashes.” This post will be one of extreme vulnerability, honesty, and sometimes an uncomfortable level (for me) of transparency. So if you think you understand all of my “issues,” just hang on to your hand sanitizer.

Growing up, I did not have an issue with germs. I was sanitary and took care of my hygiene on a typical and regular schedule. While playing basketball, I would wipe the sweat off my face and hair and swipe my basketball shoes for traction. (Nowadays, some gyms have sticky mats. Where were those back in my day??) I was never concerned with touching doorknobs, light switches, or seeing hair ties. Someone was always doing someone else’s hair before volleyball or basketball games. I did not participate in braiding because I could not braid. I don’t even think I remember hand sanitizer back then. We just used soap and water. I was happy to use my sports medicine knowledge and attempt to tape someone’s ankle, even though I think I did it too tight and they had to cut it off. Completely different than now, where I would not dare touch someone’s feet!  

I do remember having some “checking” compulsions. I would be worried I had left the stove on, the door unlocked, or something plugged in. I would go back into the house or check the lock. Being conscientious about unintentionally starting a fire could also be attributed to growing up with a Dad who was in the fire department. In College, my sophomore year, I lived alone for half a year. (That is a long and complicated story). I would become afraid sometimes, and I remember checking the closets, under the bed, making sure I locked the door, etc., before I went to sleep.  

When did the fear of germs creep into my life? I honestly think it started right before we moved to Kentucky, and it took off in Kentucky when I worked in an elementary school. You may be asking, “well, why did it just kick in at this point in your life?” As I mentioned in a previous post, I know that I have an obsessive personality. I feel as though I always had a leaning toward OCD, but it didn’t ever become such a huge deal until I started dealing with my fear of germs. So why, at this time, did the germ issue arise? There is probably a mixture of reasons, including dealing with some issues in my past. While working at an elementary school in Kentucky, I worked around smaller children. This did not bother me when I went on mission trips or helped at Bible School. But for some reason, I became very fearful of getting sick or getting bugs in my hair (you know, the “L” word – I don’t even like to type the word)! This is when I truly remember my issues beginning. But this was just the tip of the iceberg.  

It is quite consuming when you have OCD, and sooner or later, your particular obsessions and compulsions will begin to seep out into the open. People will start to notice. At first, I would try to hide it, like I would go to a different bathroom to wash my hands than the last time. Over time, as I continued with my compulsions, and they thus continued to grow, it became harder to hide. When we moved to Indiana, we didn’t have a washer and dryer in our apartment. This meant we either went to the laundromat or used the washer and dryer in our building. Laundry became a huge stressor for me! In the fall of that year, I worked at a church in Evansville as a secretary and coached middle school girls basketball (both the 7th grade and the 8th-grade teams) in Kentucky. I was on the road a lot and was very busy, so Drew did the laundry a lot. I had rules about the laundry, and he could do them but not to the extreme level that I did. It was like since I didn’t see the process of getting them from washer to dryer, from the dryer to the big tub, from the big tub to our apartment, I just had to believe they were clean. I didn’t have time to do otherwise. Earlier in that year, I remember that when Drew had done laundry, he brought home three extra socks in the tub with our laundry. What did I do? I took the laundry back to another laundromat and rewashed everything. Do you think I enjoyed that? Not so much.

When we moved back to NC, my OCD was in full swing. I started a new job at a high school, and I had to figure out if I would try to hide my issues or just be upfront. I feel sure I was reluctant to let anyone know about me right away. I kept it a bit tucked away for a time. But then it oozed out. I didn’t want to interact with students at the front counter. I wanted them to come to my desk. I didn’t want others using my desk phone, and I didn’t want to use others’ phones.  

If we thought the obsessions and compulsions were terrible, we really had no idea what was in store for us! I say we because, it affected all of those around me – Drew, my parents, my coworkers, etc. When I became pregnant, things seemed to escalate. I remember the day of my baby shower; I had encountered something “dirty,” and I didn’t want to go to my shower. I felt as though everything I received would then be contaminated. I know this is not rational. You can tell by me putting “dirty” in the quotation marks that the item was probably one of the items that invoked great fear or anxiety and not something covered in blood, feces, or vomit. To me, though, it did not matter. I left school midday crying and so depressed. (Side note – I went home, showered, gathered myself together after speaking with some people, and returned for my baby shower). My great friend, who was genuinely concerned about me, called Drew. Drew called my OBGYN. So I had a nurse call me. They were concerned for me as well.

Since I was in such a depressed state at that time, they didn’t want to see what I would be like postpartum if left unchecked. They suggested I start medication. (Mind you, I am married to a wonderful man who has to take medication for his depression, and I fully support others taking medication. However, at the time, I did not feel I should be on medicine.) Reluctantly I started it. A few weeks to a month later, people at work noticed a marked difference in me. Some even started treating me better, recognizing that some of my personality traits were related to my OCD. When the medication went into effect, I interacted better with colleagues and had a better outlook at work. 

Medication didn’t solve the OCD, though. Later on, a therapist I knew described the use of medication in treating OCD as this: Imagine you are in a well, way far down. You cannot climb out when you are so low to the ground. You need a ladder to help get you started. Then after you get up the ladder, you have a place to reach for to help you climb out. Medication is the ladder in this scenario. It is a tool. It can help you get to a place where healing can start to happen, but it is only a tool. One still needs therapy, or behavior modification, if you will. There are specific types of treatment that are very helpful in treating OCD, namely Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). However, if you have an underlying issue that has brought the OCD tendencies to the surface, it is recommended that you deal with that issue before you start ERP.   

What is it like living with OCD for me? What is it like for my family and friends? Unless we are super close, which doesn’t happen so much anymore, I try to keep my friends in the dark about my issues. It is hard to deal with myself, and I am ashamed and embarrassed many times. There have been actions I have taken to combat some of my worst obsessions and fears that make me cringe. I do not enjoy the compulsions at all!! It is more like I try to keep the beast quiet inside. If I anger it (fear, anxiety, seeing a triggering object, etc.), it is hard to quiet the beast. Once I start obsessing, it is nearly impossible to prevent the compulsion aspect from taking over. Of course, with contamination OCD (this is more of an official name for those of us with germ issues or that have been deemed germaphobes), one of the biggest compulsions is hand washing. One day I started counting, but the number was already so large mid-morning that I gave up. I might try that test another day. 

Let’s just say soap is a valuable commodity in our house, and a standard soap dispenser has to be refilled probably every other day at some of the household sinks. My hands get super dry and chapped. They develop cracks, and then I worry about something finding its way into the broken skin. I use bandaids when I go out and about. I have been known to wear disposable gloves out and about, especially during COVID, and still at the gas station or if my hands are severely damaged. Not to mention the pain I feel in my hands. If they are experiencing lots of cracking and sores, they can become quite painful! However, I still need to wash them, and if I am out and about without soap and water, I use hand sanitizer. When they are so beaten up, I cringe when I put the hand sanitizer on and then rub it amidst the burning and stinging. Yes, I do compulsions, even to the point of pain and beyond. That should become my slogan, like “to infinity and beyond!” it should be “to pain and beyond.”  

One of my other compulsions is washing clothes. Some people hate this chore, but I don’t. But it goes beyond not minding it; I go overboard. I sometimes rewash things repeatedly, depending on the contamination level, the clothes falling on the floor, forgetting a step and contaminating them while unloading the dryer, etc. My mom used to do my laundry when she kept the boys at the house, and I allowed it after being reluctant at first. I generally struggle with other people doing my laundry. What if they don’t follow the rules? What if they don’t clean them effectively? What if, what if? So very many doubts fill my mind. I doubt myself so many times a day as well. Did I put laundry detergent in the washer? Did I remember to wash my hands before unloading the dryer? Did that shirt get too close to the floor? OCD is being very uncomfortable in the land of uncertainty. I need to know!  

My husband has been a trooper when it comes to dealing with my rules and regulations, my need to be reassured, my requests for not walking down a certain aisle at the store, or looking where he is walking so he doesn’t step on a hair tie, comb, anything that resembles vomit, etc. Does he always do these things with a smile? Haha! Absolutely not. It is not a fun game to play, living with someone who needs to control their environment. It is not a fun and exciting date night when one person is hyper-vigilant in trying to avoid a “contaminant” while walking into a restaurant. It can be pretty exasperating when he has to look at the parking spaces before pulling in because I do not want to exit the vehicle if there is a “contaminant” on my side.

He gets the buggy when we go shopping because I go through like 15, it seems each trip. In reality, it’s like 2-3, but it seems like a lot in the heat of the moment. Then you have to deal with those others trying to get a buggy looking at you strangely and the greeter or buggy supplier asking what was wrong with this particular buggy. There have been times that I have noticed something wrong with a buggy after I began shopping. Instead of returning the buggy to the place of its origin, I will just leave it somewhere in the store. Then get another one. I do not leave items in the buggy, well, at least not many and not perishable items. The other day I left dog treats in a buggy after feeling the compulsion to get a new one. Because of its location, I was convinced that something had to be wrong with it.  

I know many countries and cultures agree with my next problem area – that of shoes. I can wear shoes inside the house that have only been inside or just outside in the grass. Any shoe that has been out and about needs to be put away in the “shoe closet.” The boys and Drew cannot wear shoes into my bedroom, although Drew has done this, and I have survived. The shoes are not to be on the furniture or to be left out where they are close to where I am sitting or walking, etc. At our last three houses, we have implemented the shoe closet, as we have a closet close to the entryway. All shoes go in there unless they are my inside shoes which means that they are used for taking out the dog, walking on the treadmill, flip flops to keep my feet comfy [Oofos!!], or those shoes that have been washed and are awaiting me to wear them again. Excessively dirty shoes, those that I cannot even wear without a wash, stay in the shoe closet until such a time as I wash shoes. Yes, I throw my shoes in the washing machine. I wash them and use vinegar as a disinfectant in one cycle. Then they are returned to my closet. Then I wear them out and about, so they go back to the shoe closet. I wear them until they are too “contaminated.” They stay in the shoe closet until wash day, and the cycle repeats itself. How is that for crazy? I am well aware that this makes no sense whatsoever to the general population. Even those cultures that have one leave their shoes outside or take them off just inside, or the other homes that are shoe-free, they are not this obsessed. They at least can touch their shoes when putting them on without going to wash their hands afterward or instituting a “wash the shoes” day.  

Some other random rules or preferences when I go out include:

• If possible, I carry hand sanitizer, so if I see something that stresses me out in the store, I can clean my hands on the spot.
• I do not park near trash cans.
• I check for the cleanness of aisles before proceeding down them in the store.
• I do not like to be close to anyone in stores, specifically checkout lines. (So the COVID rules were terrific for me!)
• I take hand sanitizer into restaurants. I clean my hands after the menu leaves the table. I also give hand sanitizer to everyone else in the family.
• I give hand sanitizer to the boys and Drew when they get back in the car from a store, pumping gas, an appointment, etc.
• I carry pens with me when I go to appointments, if at all possible, so I can use my pen.

I am sure I do more things to ease my anxiety, obsessions, and fears. I just do not always remember everything so well.  

Now because I have so much to say, because OCD is so complex and encompasses so many aspects of my life, I had to turn this into two posts.  I didn’t want to put anyone to sleep, or someone to give up because the end was not in sight.  So stay tuned for part two!